Without fail, this is the most common question that I have heard from parents over the last two decades. To be honest, I don’t blame young people for saying no, as it can be tough to work through challenges and daunting to share personal experiences with a stranger.
Here are some suggestions that families have found helpful in the past:
- Pick a suitable place and time to chat with your child. Chats in the car (side by side) can be less confronting for young people. Time your chats for when they are more relaxed or in a good mood like late evening.
- Young people’s beliefs about seeking support will vary so expect resistance and avoid a judgemental response.
- Avoid a conversation with your child about counselling when you are stressed or angry.
- Ask your child if they have noticed any changes in their thoughts, feelings, relationships, and behaviours that concern or frustrate them. This may help them to establish goals that they would like to work on.
- Try to avoid phrases like “you need help”, “if you don’t go, I don’t know if I can cope anymore”. Try supportive phrases like “I think there are times when we all need support, I think it’s been hard for you lately with ………, would you like to know what support is available?”
- Explore the uncertainty or resistance and empathise. Knowing what your child is confused or worried about will help you share accurate information about the process, reassure them and find the right support. Young people are frequently worried about privacy and confidentiality or have had a negative experience with a health professional in the past.
- Speak to a range of people to find the right personality/approach for your child. A counsellor should spend time with you and your child to reduce as many barriers as possible.
- Give your child various choices to help them feel in control and empowered to make decisions about their health and wellbeing.
- Show your child information about potential counsellors via their website and let your child know what to expect from the first session.
- Suggest that your child attend a single session to meet the counsellor and ensure that they feel safe and comfortable with them. Typically, once a young person meets a youth friendly counsellor who listens to them, they return.
- Explore various support options that your child may be more comfortable to try first. For example, a chat with a wellbeing worker at school. All schools should have access to a wellbeing team. The capacity and resources available from wellbeing teams will vary widely across schools, however, it can be a great place to start if young people prefer to receive support in a familiar setting.
- Suggest online and anonymous counselling support via Kids Helpline or eheadspace.
- Share youth friendly resources that your child can look at during their own time. For example: Reachout, Kids Helpline, headspace, Centre for Multicultural Youth.
- Nurture the seed of an idea, like seeing a counsellor, particularly if your child is highly resistant. Try to be patient and calm and accept that the conversation may need to happen over days or weeks rather than a single sitting.
If your child refuses to speak to you about seeing a counsellor:
- Ask an aunt/uncle or adult that they trust to check in with them at different times.
- Consider attending counselling sessions independently, without your child. Often when changes are made at home, relationships improve, and young people may be more open to the idea of seeing a counsellor.
- Lastly, if all these attempts still lead to a strong ‘no’, and your child is not at immediate risk, then it may not be the right time for them to engage. Forcing a young person to attend counselling is not useful if they don’t want to be there.
Young people can resist support for many different reasons. The resistance is not a reflection on you as a parent, however your positive attitude to help seeking, for both them and you, can role model these behaviours and help you manage compassion fatigue.
Finally, it’s important to remember that finding the right counsellor is essential, so take your time to call and ask plenty of questions. The effectiveness of counselling is primarily determined by a strong therapeutic relationship where the child can trust their therapist. I have found it useful to offer a great deal of flexibility with young people, especially when building rapport in the initial stages. Offering text messages, phone calls, or flexible meeting locations for the initial meet and greet can be useful.
Feel free to contact me for more information.